Meet the Players

Detective Mystery Jones

Frank "Mystery" Jones was born one day and will die another. He was a kid detective, then he wasn't for a while, and now he is again, except he's a grown-up too. He enjoys gardening and raising animals in his spare time, although no one so far has had the heart to tell him that digging holes in his childhood backyard looking for his long-lost "treasure" (it's a can of gummy worms and a Canadian nickel he swears is worth millions) doesn't actually qualify as gardening. 

Investigator Chrissy

Investigator Chrissy has been raised since birth by her biological gay dads. They're extremely loving and supportive, however their conservatism often borders on overbearing. This has led Chrissy to pursue a career following the rules, and catching those that break them. It is also the reason for her on-going substance abuse, and for the fist tattoo she has on her back that she swears is a symbol of female empowerment completely devoid of any racial connotations. When Chrissy grows up she plans to become a no-nonsense federal prosecutor, working to convict hundreds of hardened criminals and eventually earning the nickname "Brass Balls". After a lifetime working in law lands her a seat as a Supreme Court Justice, she hopes to die at the ripe age of 102 when one of her old nemeses finally gets the best of her and exacts revenge. Not before Chrissy stabs out his OTHER eye, though, quipping "Take that, fucker. I may dead, but you're blind forever, idiot." And then she hopes to laugh for a few seconds before coughing out a final breath through a smile on her ancient face. 

Principal Commissioner

Principal Commissioner has been the iron fist in charge of Brower Elementary since before Mystery Jones was Mystery Jones and she'll be there long after Mystery Jones is no longer Mystery Jones again. She keeps to herself and doesn't want to answer any more these stupid questions.

Mr. Meatball

Martin Hitler Meatball spent much of his youth being bullied by anti-nazi radicals in his home town. After years of having food thrown at him, and his head dunked in pee-filled toilets, Marty soon found that his only solace came in cleaning himself up. He made it his lifelong mission to clean everything he ever found, which landed him a job at the very elementary school where he had developed his likely unhealthy coping mechanism. He doesn't get paid enough to be able to afford a therapist though, so, what are ya gonna do? Anyway he spends his days making sure Brower Elementary is sparkling clean every single day. More than once he has inadvertently cleaned up a crime scene, allowing the perpetrator to get away. When approached about this by Mystery and Chrissy, he profusely apologized, but it still happens from time to time. Not to worry though, they have an agreement. Every time Mr. Meatball destroys evidence, Mystery gets to punch him really hard no backsies. Mr. Meatball lives with his beautiful wife Mrs. Meatball, and their even more beautiful unofficial third spouse Mrs. Spaghetti.

Lunch Lady Barnaby

Beatrice Barnaby sounds and acts like she is from a bygone era, and Mystery has found no evidence that she isn't. She lives and works in Brower's cafeteria, where she spends her days deciding which brand of cat food to use as taco meat. She usually goes with Meow Mix, but she throws caution to the wind every once in a while and splurges on Fancy Feast. Her hobbies include knitting, and cutting "boxtops for education" off of food products, collecting them in a bag for ten years, realizing that not only can those things expire, but almost all of them HAVE expired, and lamenting that she ate all those Lucky Charms for nothing. She HATES Lucky Charms.

Stupid Teddy

This fucker is STUPID.

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