Meet the Cast

Scott Rocks as Detective Mystery Jones

Scott Rocks rose to early fame as a leather-jacket-wearing Hollywood heartthrob, starring in such pictures as Tall Guy, West of Weden, and Rebel with, like, a Pretty Good Cause, but Maybe It Wasn't Worth All That Trouble. When he was 24, Rocks narrowly avoided death in the form of a hideous auto accident while practicing for an illegal drag race on the outskirts of Los Angeles. Although he escaped with his life, he walked away from the crash with what his producers called "a face for fucking radio if I've ever seen one. Jesus, Bonnie, get in here! Look at what Scott did to his face! No, I know, it looks like he shaved with a meat cleaver while blindfolded. My god, Scott, what were you thinking? You have your whole life ahead of you, not to mention an incredible career. Now it's all down the shitter. I mean, fuck! At least if you died you would've been a Hollywood icon: forever young, but now? Shit I don't even want to imagine what hell has in store for the rest of your sorry-ass life. Okay, well, get your ugly fucking face out of my office." Rocks has since enjoyed a spirited career in voice acting, and likes to spend his weekends trolling around the Boston bus station so he can lend his sage advice to young women seeking a career in acting. He says it worked a lot better when he lived in LA.

Grenadine Ansprite as Investigator Chrissy

Young Miss Grenadine Ansprite is Hollywood's little princess. Staring in over four films a year, this tiny wonder gets no sleep at all. Forced into child labor by her attention-hungry mother, Grenadine "Grenny" Ansprite has already earned over ten million dollars by her current age of eight years. Although she hasn't seen a penny of it since all that money goes right to her mother who has spent almost all of it on fancy hats. Grenny is happy to be on the cast of "Mystery Jones! The Radio Files," even though she records it during the time that is supposed to be set aside for studying. God bless labor law loopholes, and the bickering heads of the Film and Radio unions for not communicating with each other. When she grows up, Grenadine wants to mostly stay out of the spotlight, and then star in a Broadway revival of Chicago at age 67, only to have it close down within a week. Well, Grenny. We have good news for you: that's what's in store.

Dame Helen Mirren as Principal Commissioner

No bio needed, we are HONORED to have her in the studio every week. And yes, she's even more beautiful in person.

Tabitha Danielson as Mr. Meatball

Of an age with young miss Grenadine Ansprite, Tabitha Danielson was runner-up for the role of Investigator Chrissy. Desperate for work in an unforgiving city, and after she broke down and cried in her callback making the rest of us feel really awkward, she was awarded the role of the Janitor. Turns out she can do this amazing gruff voice, and we actually all like working with her a LOT more than Grenadine, who has proved to be nothing but a selfish diva. I can write this here because I know with 100% certainty that she would never read past her own bio. You know what? Watch this. Hey! Grenny! This is your producer, Bruce Bingles. If you read this, come find me in the studio and I'll give you a million dollars. Ain't even scared. Anyway. Tabitha is great.

Marshall St. Peters as Additional Voices

Veteran voice actor Marshall St. Peters has been doing radio voices since before the Nazis invaded Poland. He is REALLY unpleasant to be around, and he smells REALLY bad. But his contract is iron-clad, and the studio wouldn't green-light the show without him, so we're stuck with him until either he dies or the show gets cancelled. And as far as we can tell he's getting stronger every day. I don't know what they put in menthol cigarettes and bottom-shelf tequila these days, but that's all I've ever seen this guy ingest, and he turned 100 last year.

The Bird-Lady We Found Outside the Studio

as Other Additional Voices

While not actually homeless, The Bird-Lady We Found Outside the Studio prefers the company of birds and to spend her days (and nights) on the street. We don't know much about her backstory because every time we ask, she just gets real quiet and stares off into space until we snap her back into it. Scott swears he asked her one time just to see how long she would stay entranced. He said after five and a half hours she finally whispered "Janet," but we don't know who or what "Janet" is, so, your guess is as good as ours. Is it her long lost love? A bird that got away? Was she Janet in her life before this one? We'll never know! Anyway I was walking into work one day focusing really hard on not making eye contact with The Bird-Lady when I overheard her talking to a flock of pigeons. The crazy thing was the pigeons were responding. Except they weren't actually, it was just Bird-Lady making all the voices for them. But I swear it sounded like twelve different people. So I goes up to her and I says "Hey, Bird-Lady, you wanna talk those voices into a can in my radio studio? I'll pay ya a nickel an hour," and she looks at me long and hard and right as I'm about to leave the interaction for fear of gettin' attacked (Wild Bird-Lady and all), she finally nods in agreement. So she follows me inside, I make the intern douse her in Febreeze- actually no I think we were outta Febreeze so I think I made him use WIndex instead, but it mostly did the trick, just, recording booth is an enclosed space, you get what I'm saying? But yeah, that's her story as far as we know. Now whenever we need a different voice we just holler outside and she comes and reads for us. Terribly nice lady, actually. I know why the birds like her.

Barnabus Werther as The Narrator

This guy is awesome. He's handsome and can narrate my story ANY day of the week. I don't know what his biography holds, and I don't want to find out because he's just so much sexier with a mysterious backstory. Seriously, the only word I know about his history is "Borneo," and I wanna keep it that way. I truly am sorry this is just a radio show because this man is something to see.

Nathaniel Werther as The Guy Who Reads the Ad Copy

No no no. He'll get a bio when he's EARNED a bio.

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